The Essence Of Being A Wallflower

The past is a bully, and the futures even worse

2010-06-02T00:34:00.001-07:00

If you could go back in time.. would you?
Would you make the same choices now that you made then?

Endure

2010-05-07T00:58:00.001-07:00

"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battle-field, and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearthstone, all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."

-Abraham Lincoln

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

2010-04-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

When death comes knocking, will you be proud of the life you left?

It's Ridiculous, NOT Rediculous

2010-04-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

It's Ridiculous.

Not Rediculous.

I've seen it so many times by smart people that I had to check myself twice.

Vaccinations

2010-04-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

All the people choosing not to vaccinate their children, are the reason I choose to.

It's strange getting old

2010-04-24T02:03:00.000-07:00

It's strange getting older.

I found a girl on facebook that my mother used to babysit for.
I remember her as an infant.

She's all grown up now, and gorgeous.

Nine years ago today....

2010-04-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

My mother died of cancer.

She died in the early morning hours, but I wouldn't find out until the evening. I had talked to her the day prior, and the sound of her voice will haunt me in that conversation forever. She sounded like a child. It only lasted a few minutes... and in the end she called me my sisters name. The Drs had given her a week to live the day before she died. It's all so foggy in my memory, but so clear at the same time.

My sisters and I were planning a trip to see her (we lived 5 hours away) and instead, now we were planning a trip to her funeral. She had outlasted expectations, setting small goals in the future to make it to. The cost was high though, for those extra months of life. Her quality of life had diminished to nothing.. She had slipped into a coma before, had radiation almost daily, and spent most of the time in the hospital.

I found out she had died by calling my sister. I hadn't heard any new developments of our trip to go see her and being 16, I was dependent on them. I guess she didn't realize that no one had called me. My aunt had called my oldest sister earlier in the morning to tell her, but I was overlooked.

Neither of my sisters lived with our mother while she was sick, and my family was never very open. My mother couldn't lie to me, she couldn't hide the severity.. I was old enough to question, research and conclude. My younger brother, he didn't know any different. Our mother had been sick most of his life. He's 17 now.. if you were to ask him he'd swear he remembers everything, but I know that's not true, and not possible. I know that most likely what he remembers is simply the things he's been told throughout the years. In a lot of ways, it's probably better that way.

The whole wake and funeral is a bit surreal in my mind. I remember it, but I remember it like I watched it, not participated.

When she died she was 44 and had one grandchild, now she has 6.

She once wrote a childrens book, the pictures made with construction paper (very, very well).. and the one thing I would like to someday do for her, is have it published. I'm pretty sure she'd like that.

Insomnia

2010-04-01T01:03:00.000-07:00

Insomnia, Insomnia
I can always count on you to be my friend.
Insomnia, Insomnia
I know that you will be with me until the very end.
Insomnia, Insomnia

Stalking

2010-03-31T00:25:00.000-07:00

I stalk people I used to be related to on facebook.

They ~~are~~ were more like family then the people I share blood with - which at this point isn't saying much.

I spent more holidays and time with them growing up.

They are my childhood, my memories.
It's interesting to see, all my cousins grown up.
In my head they're still 7.
Some of them i'm sure I never knew, and some of them I should have known, but I can't seem to remember.

It's interesting to see
which aunts and uncles got divorced.

I can't bring myself to 'add' them. I don't want them to know I'm lurking. I feel cast out of that life, and don't think I could take rejection.

I wonder if I ever cross their minds, if they ever wonder about me.... or if I'm left being the only one affected.

Normal Like You

2010-03-20T01:44:00.000-07:00

I'm an insomniac.
People who are not insomniacs do not understand insomnia at all.

I guess that statements true about most things though.
People don't tend to understand anything they aren't.
I'm not claiming to be exempt.

How much better would the world be, if the general population gained the ability to look outside of themselves.

Sometimes, I wish I could be more selfish.

Sometimes, I feel like i'm not selfless enough.

Sweet sleep... come to me.

Success!

2010-03-03T00:19:00.000-08:00

Love

2010-03-02T00:43:00.000-08:00

I once had a ex-boyfriend say to me

"No ones ever going to love you as much I do"

and I turned to him and asked..

"why would you wish that upon me?"

-for if you truly love someone, in the unconditional kind of way.. you want for them only the best, most successful life they can bear - with or without your participation in it. -

That, is love.

I'm laying here reflecting on this past of mine, as I watch it play out in someone elses life.
and I want to tell her

someone will love him more then you
and someone will love you
much more then him

Knitting take 1! (for the upteenth time)

2010-02-21T23:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight.. I started knitting a hat.

This is probably about the 8th or 9th time I've started knitting a hat.

5 rows into k2p2 (knit 2 purl 2) and counting to make sure I didn't mess it up I stopped to straighten out and look at my work...

and what I found

was that when I connected my circle, I twisted it.

I have a twisted brim hat..

bah-hum-bug!

on the bright side... it looked good!

Jonah Matranga (aka onelinedrawing) - Every mistake

2010-02-18T00:44:00.000-08:00

Oh my love how can I say the things that you'll see some perfect way.

I could tell stories of infinite roads, fountains of youth, romantic fables

But insted I'll just say it.

You're going to make every mistake.

Sometimes you're going to fall flat on your face.

But just do it with grace, know that I'll be there

And love you while you make every mistake.

My sweetest of ones, you're growing up great

A wide open heart, excellent eyes.

You're climbing and trying without even trying,

Without even knowing what I can't explain.

Like when did I get so scared of dying?

It never seemed real.

Do we really leave here?

And stranger still though it seems sad,

I'm trying to show you that something is here,

Something so smooth.

You're going to make every mistake.

Sometimes you're going to fall flat on your face.

But just do it with grace, know that I'll be there

And love you while you make every mistake.

Every mistake, every mistake.

Of course I wish you all of the beauty

A love rnever ending a life without pain

And when it seems hardest and there's no reasy answer

Just try to trust me.

You're going to make every mistake.

Sometimes you're going to fall flat on your face.

But just do it with grace, know that I'll be there

And love you while you make every mistake.

Every mistake, every mistake.

Mad World

2010-02-16T23:21:00.003-08:00

Baa Baa Black Sheep

2010-02-16T08:58:00.000-08:00

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Three bags full.

One for my master,
One for my dame,
And one for the little boy
Who lives down the lane.

Food For Thought

2010-02-16T00:03:00.000-08:00

Growing up is a progression of not caring, caring too much, and learning when it's important to care, and when it's really not

You are not wrong about my indifference.

Nothing is permanent. Feelings come and go. People come and go. Things we thought we couldn't live without, fade from our lives and we're fine. .F.I.N.E. Sometimes only by the loosest definition of the word, but fine none the less

You can never really tell the whole story, so people can never really understand

Life is always changing, but nothing ever really changes. The world continues how it always has, we just learn to look at it differently.

At a certain point you need to just let it go. (This pertains to anything you can think of)

When things are right you have no doubt at all.

You'll be more angry at yourself for not doing what's best for you then you'll ever feel for letting

someone else down.

Your surroundings (and the people in it) will greatly determine how you feel internally.

Everyones a liar.

You might never "get over it" - realizing that is half the battle to feeling better about it.

Irrational is not believing your feelings are legitimate.

It doesn't matter what they think.

Be angry, Be bitter - Be happy. It is possible to be all of these things.

Listen to music, lots and lots of music.

READ

If you give your care away, it will lose its preciousness to those who really deserve it.

Don't be afraid of being definitive. Make a decision, mean it, and if someone tries to make you change your mind, eat their soul.

Cha, Cha, Changes

2010-02-15T00:50:00.000-08:00

As I sit in the darkness lit only by my computer screen, I'm in the mood for change. Change for me, does not come in small packages. It's never a hair dye and cut. Change for me, is to change everything. It happens when I get tired of doing what i've been doing, and the only way I know to go about doing something new, is to flip the world on its side and start running.

Everything for me is extremely on one side of the spectrum or the other.

There is some stability in my life now, which is good and different then before. But it means that I must change everything else around those things without interfering with them. The change will happen. It's not something I can stop - just something I can choose to make easy or hard.

So what's going to change?

Time to find a new compulsion

I've learned...

2010-01-15T00:32:00.000-08:00

When I was younger I thought that at a certain point my parents got tired of taking pictures of me because I went from being an infant to being a few years old in my photo album..

turns out I was wrong

babies just stop staying still...

How I love him

2010-01-14T00:06:00.000-08:00

My love for you, is untouchable, undying, non-manipulatable.

It exists with or without your approval.

That, my dear, is the definition of unconditional.

That is how I love you.

Time

2010-01-10T02:42:00.000-08:00

Time changes the way things are interpretated .. but not what they really mean.

I really need to... maybe tomorrow.

2010-01-04T22:18:00.000-08:00

I've been having some serious motivation issues lately. I don't know why but I seem to be doing just enough to get by. Just enough cleaning, just enough work, just enough. It's blah.. it makes me think that I need to start exercising again but you know what?

I can't find the motivation to.

There are things I need to do for work and for home life and I just never 'get' to it. Maybe I'm just hungry or tired or something....or everything

I've bought some things lately

and they are pretty and useful

but then I just feel guilty about it later.

and then I tell myself not to feel guilty, that there really isn't anything to feel guilty about. I didn't not pay the bills or not buy food. All of our needs were met. There's still money in the bank.

So why do I feel guilty every time I do something or buy something for myself?

crap.... I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this.

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T00:09:00.000-08:00

More Bootylicious!

2009-12-21T00:38:00.000-08:00

......Getting better if I do say so myself!

Ahh... Christmas Time....

2009-12-20T00:16:00.000-08:00

I don't 'do' holidays. When I worked in retail, I always looked for a reason to work on them. For me, holidays are depressing, so I just skip them.

I view holidays as a time for family and with me.. holidays remind me of

well

family.

My parents divorced when I was 4, and I spent nearly every single holiday growing up with either my mothers family or with my stepfathers family. These are extensive families.. Irish Catholic families.. My mother has 3 brothers and 4 sisters, all of which have children except one of the men (he's highly autistic) and one of the women (whom I'm fairly certain is a lesbian). My mothers family alone I have something like 13 cousins, pretty much all live within a small vicinity (except one)... My stepfathers family was even larger - he was one of 14 kids.. again all of whom had children.. on with the story..

All of my birthdays and holidays were spent with one of those two families since the time I was 4. I never saw my fathers family. He's kind of the odd one out in his family anyway, so that never aided manners..

I moved to my fathers a little less then a year before my mother died. It was a hard decision to make, but it was one I had to make. I was seriously over stressed living there... I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't passing my classes, I was barely surviving basically. That, and I knew she was dying. I was old enough to not be fooled, and I knew what all of the test results meant. She spent the better part of that year in the hospital, and the 6 months prior to me moving I was basically mother to my younger brother.

Looking back on it, I was dying.

I was numb.

Physical pain didn't even register anymore.

I was 15 when I moved.. that was 10 years ago now. I saw my mother maybe twice between when I moved to my fathers, and when she died. I didn't talk to her much more then that. The day I moved, I lost all of the family that I had ever known. Since then, I have only ever heard or seen anyone in my mothers or stepfathers family, the people whom I spent every markable calendar holiday with for my entire life, once... and that was at my mothers funeral (and this includes my younger brother).

Godparents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins - vanished.

So you see, when my mother died.. it wasn't just my mother that died.

She took my entire definition of family with her.

I have bitter feelings towards them still... and I think I always will.. and I also thing I always should. I feel those bitter feelings were very much so earned by each and every one of them... for more reasons then just this, but that's an entirely different post.

Pictures with a 7 month old go something like this....

2009-12-16T22:28:00.000-08:00

The little things

2009-12-09T23:19:00.000-08:00

Bootys Take 2! (and 3)

2009-12-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

So my 2nd bootie got a closer looking fraternal twin

Still not perfectly alike, but closer...

And I shrunk my 'pattern' a little and got these

Still not perfect, but getting there!

Much closer..

Now tomorrow we will see if they fit!

Star Gazer

2009-12-07T20:32:00.000-08:00

I'm reaching for the stars tonight.

Someday I'll catch one.
I'll put it in a jar for you.

I'll wrap it in some hopefully patterned wrapping paper.

It'll be yours.

The whole thing.

Your very own luminous point
fixed on a shelf for your enjoyment always.

If I give you a star,

will you remember me?

Will you think of me often?

When the star begins to fade,

when it disintegrates,

burst into nothing but energy

- will you still see me.

Will you still stare at me all night?

Bootylicious

2009-12-06T23:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I made fleece Longies

Today

I made a booty...

it turned out too big

and he still needed matching twin

So, I made a second booty..

He turned out the same size as the first...

but

different

Now my second booty needs a twin....

Maybe I should stick with pants...

Welcome To Seattle

2009-12-04T00:27:00.000-08:00

Fell In Love With A Boy

2009-12-03T00:04:00.000-08:00

and marrying him was the best decision I've ever made

Day By Day

2009-12-02T00:02:00.000-08:00

My birthday is in 14 days

In 14 days

I will be 25

My son will be 7 months old in 7 days

I will have been married for 2 years and 2 months in 22 days

I will have graduated from high school 7 1/2 years ago

My mother will have died more then 8 1/2 years ago

I look back at where and who I was then, and it's really amazing how much people, things and circumstance change in an instant. I am no where near who I was even 2 years ago, let alone 9 years ago. I always tear up when I think about it because the years flash before me like a quick slide show of the time gone by. The slide show never makes it very far.

I don't remember growing up. I don't remember being a child... I can't conjure up one happy childhood memory... I can't remember my mother ever saying she loved me, or ever being hugged by her. In my brain my younger brother is still 7, not 16. I don't ever recall my mother being happy, and it makes me sad for her. My goal in life is to not follow in my mothers footsteps - which in itself is a sad realization. At some points I succeed, in others I fail.

The one thing I strive not to become is my mother

Not because she was horrible

but because she was miserable

We weren't close because she wasn't close to anyone. The deepest conversation we ever had was when I told her not to fight it again. I was 15, and I told my mother that she should really live instead of fighting to stay alive... because you can't live while you're fighting. She didn't listen to me, but I still think she should have. The outcome was the same in the end, and the memory would have been happier living out her last days doing things she had always wanted to, rather then slowly but surely wasting away from the inside out.

My mother influences every.single.decision I make

She crosses my mind every.single.day

8 1/2 years later the last time I talked to her is still fresh in my mind

and the sound of her voice will haunt me forever.

In the end though, my mothers death has shaped me more then her life. I learned early that things wouldn't make me happy. I learned that being at peace with the decisions I'd made in life and who I was, would be the only thing that would make me happy... So that is what I strive for.

I also learned that happiness is a lifestyle and not just an emotion.

That even when I'm sad, I can still be happy.

It's not to say I came through unscathed. I have trouble connecting, being close to people, allowing people close to me. My trust is never unfaltering, and I always prepare to be let down. I always go to bed wondering if I'll wake in the morning, which may explain my chronic insomnia. I've been so depressed before that dying didn't seem worth the effort, and so manic that I slept an hour a day for a month or stayed awake for 68 hours straight.

I'm a work in progress, and always will be.

Wild Horses

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild wild horses couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or off stage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild wild horses couldn't drag me away

I know I've dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken tears must be cried
Let's do some living after we die
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild wild horses we'll ride them someday
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild wild horses we'll ride them someday